Why It's So Hard to Be Satisfied in Your Life

A century ago a weary traveler once came to the entrance of small village in rural Japan where he was greeted by an old lady weaving baskets out of reed. Embarking on a tireless journey, the traveler had traveled to many different villages in the countryside over the past few months. The traveler was searching for opportunity, and a way to break through the generational chains of limitation the people in his life had placed open him. The traveler had a gut feeling that he would ‘know it when he saw it.’

As the traveler met the old woman’s gaze, he asked her, “Do you live here madam?” To which, she replied, “All my life.” The traveler asked, “Do you mind if I ask you something?” Continuing, “what kind of village is this, and how are the people?” To which the old woman countered, “Well, what were the people like in the village you came from?”

The weary traveler paused for a moment, then stated, “The people in the village I came from, and as a fact of the matter all the villages I’ve visited going back to where I grew up, are all consistently disappointing to say the least.” The old woman raised her eyebrow to a beat of curiosity. Continuing, the weary traveler stated, “The people I’ve experience in my life are greedy, manipulative, and only out for themselves.” “I’m continually disappointed, and only want to find a place where there is a chance for me to climb to success and finally find inner joy.” “I know it when I see it, “ he finished.

The old lady’s face changed, as her leathery skin expressed a number of wrinkles validating a deep concern. “I’ve got some bad news for you sir,” she continued, “This village is just the same as all the others, the people here don’t really care about you, you have to scrape and scrounge for everything. It’s hard living.” With a visual tone of disappointment, as if his heart was crying out in defeat, the weary traveler slowly put one food in front of the other, walking in to the village. After all, where else could he go.

The old woman felt pity for the weary traveler. She usually enjoyed sitting at the entrance and keeping busy by greeting people as they came in and out of the village, but today she carried the full weight of the conversation.

About a week later, the old woman was busy weaving baskets at her usual place, when she was greeted by another friendly traveler who seemed to have been traveling for some time telling by the look of wear on his clothing and shoes. As this traveler came closer the old lady noticed a lightness and sense of calm with his presence despite his fatigued exterior. The traveler greeted by asking, “Hello madam, are you from here?” To which the old lady replied, “Yes, all my life.” “Well, you don’t mind if I ask,” the traveler continued, “What sort of town is this?” Without skipping the beat, the old lady said her usual rehearsal, “Well what were the people like in the town you came from?” With a similar cadence, the traveler beamed with joy when he started talking about his recent experiences. “The people in the town I came from were amazing. They were so warm and friendly, and knew how to enjoy life. “ “Yes, I think anyone could have lived there for ever, given all the opportunity and community there.”

The old woman felt pride and joy when she started to talk about her own village. “The people here are just the same, we love our little village, and everyone here seems to contribute towards the greater good. I’ve lived here my whole life and wouldn’t live anywhere else. “Thanks,” the traveler said, ending on a high pitch, smile beaming as he walked through the gates.

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Now, we all experience both traveler’s mindset from this story at different points of our lives. But what one key takeaway this story illustrates, is that we are always carrying the seeds of content or discontent within us, wherever we go. The duality of these universal personality factors is something eternally constant in all of us. However, we must not carry this truth about ourselves as a burden. We have to accept that there are universal laws of nature that prevent us from being fully content in life. There is a spirit of discontent in all of us, and we have to learn to contend with that fact daily. The best way to contend with having a part of you that will never be fully satisfied, is accept the fact that it is a part of you that will never go away. If you accept that there will always be spirit of inadequacy in you, you can start to accept all of you. Then you will be free of the burden.

There is a natural pace of provision in life granted to all of us, and we have to learn to be patient and tune into its rhythm. Epictetus (50–135 AD), the great Stoic Philosopher, and teacher of Marcus Aurelius, who wrote the famous Meditations, made the comparison of the pace of provisions in life is his writings in the Enchiridion stating (Interpretation by Lebell, 1994):

“Think of your life as if it were a banquet where you would behave graciously. When dishes are passed to you, extend your hand and help yourself to a moderate portion. IF a dish should pass you by, enjoy what is already on your plate. Or if the portion hasn’t been passed to you yet, patiently wait your turn. Carry over this same attitude of polite restraint and gratitude to your children, spouse, career, and finances. There is no need to yearn, envy, and grab. You will get your frightful portion when it is your time.”

Epictetus believed that the natural rhythm or pace of provision in life was an unchanging universal law. We also see this illustrated in the Bible when Jesus mentioned (BibleHub, 2011):

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worry add a single hour to your life?”

There is a natural pace of provision in life controlled by God’s hand. We can start to develop patience and acceptance for the provisions God gives for us by tuning into HIS rhythm, or in other words identifying the things (behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, things, and people) we are clinging to or trying to force that keep us from living in the moment to moment. For example, you might say, I if I could just get a promotion, then I’ll really be satisfied. But that line of logic is flawed. In fact, if you were to get the promotion, you would still be unhappy. Why? Well, because you carried yourself there. If we don’t learn to look inside ourselves for the things were holding onto or trying to force, and develop ways to release the hold of those things, we remained burdened and are sabotaging ourselves from finding the joy in now, were endless blessings and opportunity reside.

Ok so now you may be thinking. How do I create inner joy and fulfillment? To do this, we have to learn balance between applying constant grace to ourselves, while simultaneously practicing discipline. We can never break the bonds of trying to, as Berné Brown puts it, “please, perform, perfect, and prove” (Beattie, 2019). I mention this problem in The Four Pillars of Radical Forgiveness, by highlighting that we tend to fix our attention and shine our light on the outside world, and tell ourselves the solution to our problems lie somewhere externally. However, our healing truly comes from within.

Here are three things you can start doing to help you cultivate contentment and fulfillment:

1. Each day identify 3 events (time and place) where you will be 100% present and try to enjoy the moment. This may be something like, “Conversation at the dinner table, enjoying my drive to work, cleaning my house.”

2. Spend more time alone with just the sound of your voice. Do you like the way you talk to yourself? Do you ever engage in distractions to keep you from being with your own thoughts? Our brain is powerful beyond measure, but if we don’t use it and let it use us, it will dictate our inner experience for us. Learn to be comfortable with yourself more by spending more time not being distracted and listen your own voice. We all need time to process barrage of stimulation every day life has to offer.

3. Practice periods of focused meditation. Full disclosure, this simple two-step technique requires some discomfort and boredom. But the benefits are incalculable. 1) Simply sit focused on observing your breath. You’ll notice when you do you’ll immediately want to control it. This gets frustrating but eventually you will develop the ability to simply observe. It’s a practice of letting go. 2) Next, when you mind wanders, which it will, gently bring it back to your breath. This is the part that is slightly uncomfortable and a little boring after a while, but this applies to all those situations in your life, where you are negatively affected by your thoughts, and catching yourself, and bringing your thoughts back to the present, helps prevent over-attaching to those thoughts, which can cause rumination. Start by doing this 3–5 minutes a day, before your able to add more time.

One of my old Pastors Heath Hardesty, once stated, “What you steep in changes you.” Which I’ve come to wholeheartedly agree. Therefore for any technique to truly work, you really have to steep in it for a while. A teabag dropped in water doesn’t turn into tea right way. It takes time and immersion for a transformation to take place. So in applying any of these techniques you’ll have to keep at them a while until you develop the necessary mental muscle for them to be applied second nature.

Thanks for reading! If you found this article helpful, please check out my other articles at yourkindofhappy.org/blog

References

Beattie, Karen, (2019). Four Destructive Traits of Perfectionism. https://www.thegrowthfaculty.com/blog/4destructivetraitsofperfectionismfromDrBrenBrown#:~:text=Perfectionism%20is%20not%20self%2Dimprovement,perform%2C%20perfect%2C%20prove.%E2%80%9D

BibleHub.com (2011). Matthew 6. https://biblehub.com/niv/matthew/6.htm

Stevenson, D. (n.d.). The Meditations. The Internet Classic Archive: http://classics.mit.edu/Antoninus/meditations.html

Lebell, S. (1994). The Art of Living: The Classical Manual on Virtue, Happiness, and Effectiveness. MJF Books, NY.

What if You had Fireside Chat with God?

There are no new and novel ideas, but simply the same information spanning across the ages and rearranged in a way to allow us to connect with an eternal source of infinite wisdom in a way that makes sense to our generation. Below are some ideas I've borrowed from this spring in a way that allows me to make sense of some of lives most fundamental and troubling questions.

Today I'm going to help you learn how to draw from this well of information, to get the living water upon which will sustain and nourish your soul. Upon drawing from this well of information, you will notice words will start to emerge untethered, and beautiful too, like flakes of gold reflecting the dawn light while floating a soft warm wind.

What could be better in life than your living in harmony with your absolute highest purpose, and knowing who you are, what you're capable of, why you were created, who created you, and what you were created to do with your time here. Wouldn’t that be such sweet information. Information, that if known would leave a cemented feeling of fullness that is indescribable according to our limits of sensate perception. You see, there exists a feeling that can’t be felt, it’s the eyes that can’t see and the ears that can’t hear; the metaphorical feeling that can’t be traced to any actual example. That’s because it operates at another level, very deep, deep inside you, venturing past the limits of physical depth. It’s the balancing your soul and spirit that I’m referring to.  When we are full, there is nothing lacking, nothing left undone, we are complete. Compare this feeling to getting over being sick, once one part of you is healed, all of you is healed, at least for a while. Any experience of lacking is simply our subconscious identifying the indescribable experience of something missing, and our physical body, specifically our brain follows suit and creates physical sensations and emotions to confirm it.

"Your soul is your body and your mind, and your spirit is the breadth of God, the part that connects you to him indiscriminately."

Before we get into the metaphor of chatting with God by the fire, it would be helpful to identify what it's like to feel and connect with our spirit. Your soul is your body and mind, your spirit is something deeper, your true unchanging and internal self, that is part of God. Here is an example of the difference, imagine you are feeling completely frustrated at your current job, your boss has been micromanaging for sometime now and you’ve been ready to quit, but can’t find the strength because you depend on the income and can easily imagine the downward spiral of negative events that would follow. This fear keeps you tethered to something you despise, which is crushing your spirit and soul. You’ve been experiencing heightened anxiety, a general lack of energy, and a short fuse.

We so often miss what we might gain if we take a chance, the pain that follows risks in the right direction takes on a new meaning, having less power over us and simply adopting the image of bumps in the road vs. road blocks. But then let’s say and old close and trusted friend shows up in your life, someone who you left off on good terms with and think of fondly and often, you know the kind that you aren’t afraid to share in their joy of success because you genuine want what’s best for them. This good friend asks you to meet, and tells you he’s started a company that is growing, the company is directly in line with your current field and experience and he’s asking you to join him at twice your salary with benefits, but the best news is, he want’s you to share in the vision with him and make you a co-founder. Continuing with the imagery from this example, what happens to you next? I mean that is, what happened to you physically just as you receive this information from your friend? You light up, your energy immediately returns and you become excited. How can this be when you were perviously in the throws of anxiety, depression, and chronic lethargy? Did you eat a power bar just before the meeting that gave you incredible energy and increased your mood? No. Some type of medication? No. How about consuming anything external at all? No. In fact the energy source came from within without external subsidence.

You became filled with the energy your spirit provides. This is what it’s like to become healed and filled from within. Healing is never from the outside in, it’s from the inside out.

"There are two pursuits in life, the one that’s always pushing towards various endeavors and activates trying to fill a hole people and world created for us; and the other who knows the hole can never exist unless we create it, therefore drifts with the current, never fighting it’s pull towards greatness."

Some would say the knowledge of why you were created is a fantasy that could never be answered. Others would say drifting with the current sounds lazy, that people should live with purpose and know where to put their focus and efforts.  But the truth is, there simply is a current of life, one that’s actually quite difficult at times, but contains rewards sevenfold, and ends with complete understanding.

The secret is easy to  pass on, but hard to grasp, and even harder to live. This is why the gate to righteousness is narrow and the gate to hell is paved with good intentions. You possess all that you need already to feel completely whole. You simply need to learn to feed the beauty inside of you instead of the beast that dwells there as well. The problem is we often feed the one that has a never-ending appetite, causing us to give more and more of ourselves.  The other beast however doesn’t have the appetite, in fact it feeds us, nourishing us if we don’t allow ourselves to be at the mercy of the other.

"God created you as a blank canvas and put you here to live, in conditions in which you fin yourself vary to an incalculable degree, but it’s you who arranges the paints."

A Fireside Chat with God

The key to knowing your purpose, is creating integrity while knowing you are enough; then you can start living a pure and bountiful life. I have one illustration to allow for this concept to sink in. It's about overcoming your ego (in the modern non-Freudian sense). Imagine for a moment you’ve been granted an audience with God. The one true God, creator of everything, life, death the one who is omnipotent, omnipotent, and omnipresent. This God, Abraham’s God, Noah's and David's God, decides to meet with you specifically to grant you something very special. Finally in his presence, fully aware that it is he the Alpha and Omega (stay with me here), in that moment with God, he asks, “I’m going to give you one thing you really need, but before I do, I’d like you to really consider why you need it?

Imagine for a moment the gravity of that. Let the reality of the thought you are holding in you mind as something you are in most need of, and if met would leave you completely fulfilled. “Yes that’s it, I really need that,” you tell yourself. But then a weird little something occurs, another thought comes barging in, “Oh wait what about this? I really need this to happen in my life as well.” Then another thought pops in, and you starting measuring the weight of each of these thoughts in your mind, you search for which is the correct one to ask. Identifying the proper time for logic, you find the most pressing thing to present to your creator.  You open your mouth to speak, but you stop prematurely. The words won’t come out. Why…

This experience starts to press into you, something deeper than an emotion emerges, your soul is crying out. You feel unworthy to highlight your need to your creator. You are encountering a dilemma that encompasses the focus of God’s time with you. How do we tell the person responsible for making us, giving us this precious gift, every sensorial eviscerating experience we’ve lived up until this point, that we are in face lacking in something? That would be like a renowned plastic surgeon who’s finally discovered how to surgically adhere an entire new hand and their first successful patient leaves a bad review, saying “It's ok, but I really needed something more fitting." 

The truth is, that if we really think about our answers, we can almost always trace them back to our ego, something that feeds our mind or bodies, but not our spirit. Let’s say for example you believe your request for something you need is completely altruistic, the healing of a loved one instead of yourself for example. Let’s ask the question as to why you want that person really healed. You may say, I want them to live and enjoy their life.  Why, well because I love them, isn’t that enough. Yes, of course this is good in so many ways, however it is not void of all self-serving intentions. To love someone one can entail so many things, but typically we love for what we get.  If we cross paths with a perfectly shaped white rose, kissed by the dying light of the sun, we may feel a connection to it, that we love it. However, the roses purpose is to grow into beauty, captivating all who look, attracting those who spread its pollen, and warding off all who try to touch. Consider the fact that we love someone is self-serving to some degree. This is necessary however, otherwise love would cease to exist. How could it after all without some type of reward for its recipient.

Now, back to God. You try to identifying something you’re lacking in which is barren of any self-serving ego-related agenda. After all, expressing to God you want something to serve yourself is quite difficult, given all he’s already done for you. You then consider all incalculable amount of experiences that he’s granted without requiring anything from us. That is what it is to truly love without needing any reciprocation. God’s love is truly unconditional. So you come to a conclusion and tell God, I’m not in need of anything, then God says “Everything you truly need has already been given.”

"God will not give you something you already posses."

Perhaps that conclusion is not satisfying enough you may be thinking. Let’s suggest then, you do shed your ego and ask him for something that is missing in your life. For example you may say, I want to be free of anger, I want to be more grateful to you.  Then God says, “It’s is done.”  But you don’t feel any different. Your thoughts immediately jump to, "did this work, is this God really." But then you realize for a moment, that in that space of time you are not currently angry. You realize your thoughts start searching for verification of this matter to be resolved, scanning back to the last instance of betrayal or heartache. Your thoughts start to tell you, “see here, I have it, these are things worthy to get angry about.” Then it comes, a realization that your thoughts are the concern, and you never have to stay angry about something that happened so long ago. The genius is in the question, by asking what you need, God wanted you to know that your soul (mind, body, thoughts) has always been broken, in need, and never lasting. But your spirit is an eternal well full of living water, where you can draw from it daily, and the only source of true everlasting nourishment. Your conscious thoughts created the void in your soul in the first place, a hole that you kept trying to fill up with outside resources, therapy, friends, medications, distractions. A hole that we’ve all been perpetually trying to fill up since the first moment of original sin, where we became conscious of our own (not God’s but our own) reality, seeing the world as we believe WE are, but not actually as it is. You were complete to begin with and are complete now. True love is giving you the choice to find balance and harmony in your life. To determine what congruence between the laws of nature, human nature, and inner nature, looks like for you; you have the freedom to choose. But first you must experience freedom, which is won by identifying your own limits and the limits set forth in nature by God. How is this experience practically?

”To truly accept yourself as enough, you must accept there is a nature within you that will always feel like you are not enough, and that too must be accepted."

God cured you by helping you realize your thoughts are part of your physical body, and simply one of its automatic functions.  Similar to your breath. As the breath come and goes, so do thoughts. We can intervene of course. Hold our breath for several moments, until the overwhelming desire to breath returns us back to its normal pace. Thoughts act in the same way. Like whispers carried with the wind, no one knows where they come from, and where they are going.  

You see, you are not your mind, body, or environment.  You concept of yourself has and is likely defined by your experiences.  The experiences of people around us, their thoughts, and the trends of our community both micro and macro.  Were your thoughts as a 10-year-old similar to your thoughts now?  How about your body at 10 compared to now? How about the people around you, were they different? How about the environment around you? How about your concept of yourself? You see, you are literally a different person. Even the cells in your bones replace themselves every seven years or so. Your mind, concept of self, people around you, environment and anything you identify as you, is not the same, nor will it be the same when you become elderly. But, you were still you at 10, as you are now, right? Yes of course, but how do we know this if our experiences, people, environment, physical form, is all changing. We identify what that which is not changing.

Our spirit, which cannot be described in any physical characteristic, is the true version of ourselves.  It is lacking in nothing, timeless, never ceasing to exist, pure light, and magnificent in every way.  Our connection with our spirit is somewhat difficult without practice. Our highest sense is numbed by the blanket of physical sensations that constantly fight for our attention. But therein lies the paradox and the goal, a daily, moment-to-moment perpetual balancing act of learning and drawing from the well of our spirit (ultimately God's spirit), and feeding the never ending appetite required by our constant and fully immersed conscious experiences.

Ultimately it is our spirit that gives us life and energy, how else did Jesus’ body survive forty days in the wilderness. The ultimate teacher has taught us that “man does not eat by bread alone.”