Your negative thoughts want you to be lazy, sick, tired, weak, and powerless if you let them. They are ruled at the core by fear, which is always driving you to feel insecure and inadequate about yourself. But here is a little secret...fear is like the Wizard of Oz, all great and powerful, but just smoke and mirrors when you realize the weakling behind it pulling all the levers.
In this article I'm going to give you some different perspectives, or ways of looking at those negative thoughts that can help you pry away the grip that fear has over them.
Call Them Out By Their Name: When you start naming them you take away part of their power, because you are not your thoughts, you are the observer, the chooser, and the experiencer. Let that sink in for a moment...
If you don't learn to observe and choose what you do with your thoughts, your thoughts will continue tying to convince you that they are you. But they are just too unpredictable and changeable to actually reflect who we are.
Don't believe me. Try this. Think about when you were 8 years old. What kind of things did you think about? Were your thoughts different? How about the people around you, were they different; or at the very least look different? How about your surroundings were they different? What about your physical body, was it different than it is today? Yes, yes, and more yes. Your physical body completely changed, every cell in your body has been replaced since then, you are litterally not the same person. I think bones cells take the longest, at about seven years. The people around you were different, your thoughts were different, and your surroundings. But you were still you right? Yes of course! But how do you know? Because you observed and experienced it! Boom. Ok so now you with me on this lets continue.
2. Imagine Your Thoughts Are Like The "Endcaps" of Shoelaces: Endcaps, you know the unsung heroes of shoelaces. These small protectors keep chaos and shoelace fray at bay. Similarly, we need mental end caps because, let's face it, negative thoughts are often quite stubborn. They stick around.
In the book "Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It" by Ethan Kross, one study conducted in New York's Central Park was referenced, which involved a research method called the "experience-sampling" technique. The study aimed to investigate the impact of negative thoughts and self-talk on people's well-being and mental health.
The study involved participants carrying around devices that prompted them at various times throughout the day to report on their current thoughts, emotions, and activities. The participants were asked to describe where they were, what they were doing, and to rate their current mood. The key finding of the study was related to the content of the participants' thoughts.
The study found that when individuals' minds wandered, and their thoughts turned negative, it had a significant impact on their reported happiness and well-being. In particular, when people's thoughts became self-critical or negative, it correlated with lower levels of happiness and life satisfaction.
The Central Park study serves as an example of how everyday thoughts and self-talk can influence our emotional well-being and overall life satisfaction.
Negative thoughts can be like unwanted guests at a party. They arrive uninvited and linger even after the event is over. Positive thoughts, however, often exit quietly just as we start enjoying their company.
So why the asymmetry in their stay? Let's dig into the conundrum shall we...
Back in caveman times, a negative thought was like a survival instinct. Imagine you're that caveman, and you spot a saber-toothed tiger in the shadows. Your brain would send out alarms – negative thought alert! Your survival depended on analyzing every angle of that threat. Is it hungry? Is it stalking? Sticky negativity could save your life then.
Fast-forward to now. No more lurking tigers, but our brains still do their ancient dance. Our body reacts similarly to a modern stressor, like the anxiety of a presentation, as it would to a prehistoric predator. It's like dialing 911 for a paper cut – a major response for minor issues.
This point reminds me of one of Mark Twain's hallmark jokes, which goes something like, "I've suffered a lot of things in my life, some of which actually happened."
Our minds often wage bigger battles than reality demands. Suffering, in this case, is the mind's twist on pain, not its literal twin, as Lord Byron so proposed.
The fix?
3. Recognize the negative loop. Simple, right? In today's complex world, simplicity is the hard part. With this technique you have the key to most mental health issues. Simply start to notice the moment you begin to feel discomfort. This could be anyform of discomfort (feeling, thought, temperature outside, negative weather, tired, angry, lonely, and on and on).
When you gain the ability to notice the moment you're uncomfortable, you've literally almost won. Rollo May the famous Psychologist once said in his book "Freedom and Destiny," that in between the stimulus and our response, is space, and in that space is our power to choose." Think of it like a traffic light, if your going steady and ignore the yellow light and keep going until its too late and turns read you get yourself into trouble really quick. In the same way, we need to notice when our bodies yellow light has flickered on. A warning light in your car dash is there for a reason, it tells you that you need to service your vehicle. So for you service yourself.
Here's one good trick I use often from The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Work Book by McKay, Wood, and Brantly. When you get a negative thought, or experience a sensation of discomfort, think of the word REST.
R- Relax (take some breaths) create some space from what just happened.
E- Evaluate (am I any danger, is anyone else) do a quick assessment of the situation, you don't need to figure it all out right then.
S- Set and Intention (use a technique), do I need to take a break, take a walk, think some more, do some breath work, before I resume or return to the thought or situation.
T- Take Action - self explanatory.
4. Talk Back to The Thoughts: Talk back to those negative thoughts. Apply a positive "end cap" to them, and watch them fade. But there's more. It's in the tone – how we talk to ourselves.
In Transactional Analysis, a psychological theory, we have three ego states: Child, Parent, and Adult.
Our inner child ego may start to cause us to worry and doubt, becoming fearful and self-defeating, fearing the unknown like a trepidatious child. Imagine talking to yourself as if you were a nurturing parent, providing guidance and reassurance. "You've got this," you say, offering a virtual pat on the back. But beware, the Parent mode can also be overly critical – the inner nag that chips away at your confidence. Then, there's the Adult mode – composed, experienced, assertive, and in control of the situation. Picture meeting a friend who keeps their cool when life tosses curveballs. Your inner Yoda – calm, wise, a fact-checker. Identify with your inner adult EGO. The inner adult has no problem talking back to the negative thoughts. It knows it's not the thoughts.
Remember thoughts are like the wind, no one knows where they come from or where they are going, but we can recognize their effects. So we need to be careful of how we respond to those effects (our feelings), and not let them take over. Besides, fear, as Steven Pressfield puts it, is a river a mile wide, but just an inch deep.
As you navigate life's roads, remember: thoughts are tricky, but the wheel to steering them is within your reach, if you can but push through illusion that you are your thoughts. Embrace those end caps. Life's too short for an endless tango of between self-doubt and fear.
Parting thought:
"The only limits you have are the limits you believe." - Wayne Dyer
Believe in transforming thoughts. You are the author, so write your script. Get those end caps; thoughts to guide, a world to conquer.